I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them.

“I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sug…”

“Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) …”

“I plugged the hole up with my thumb, so at least I wouldn’t sink. But it was re…”

“I plan on leaving my mark on this world, in ink, with a pen spill that’ll make …”