I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady Gaga. Actually, perhaps that’s too cruel, too close to torture.

“The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I s…”

“I want to create a 3-4 deal—buy three for the price of four. Offer valid for an…”

“It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection.…”

“If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "W…”