I took a shower under a fountain drink machine at a gas station because it beats showering with unleaded gasoline at $3.33 a gallon and rising.

“Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d …”

“We were getting a divorce. But not from each other. Then we were going to get m…”

“My asshole smells like chlorine, so I hope you brought some goggles.”

“Based solely on the mustache, who would you rather be: Mark Twain, Rollie Finge…”