I used to date an older obese woman named Ten, but everyone just called her "X". Now I just call her ex X. She'll be XXXIV next month, and I think I'll get her an XXL sweatshirt for her birthday.

“A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar i…”

“When people say they don’t read, I always wonder if they don’t because they can…”

“After learning the foreign language Gibberish, I became a dream spokesman.”

“Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.”