I want a trophy wife. I’ll keep her on the shelf next to my future Nobel peace prize. (I plan on inventing a gun that shoots love, not bullets.)


“Kill all the prisoners, because they’re costing us too much money. Wait! No, ki…”

“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes wi…”

“I want to move to Hollywood and audition for parts just so I can say, “I’m not …”

“I put a basketball hoop in the trees, to help the squirrels and give them a nic…”