I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

“And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I shou…”

“I don't know where to look for jobs, so I think I'll check out the unemployment…”

“Money’s a tool, like a wrench, and until I make more I need to tighten my belt.”

“Nothing is certain but death and taxidermy.”