I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates.

“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this …”

“When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared…”

“We’re distant cousins. He’s my first cousin, but he’s 5,000 miles away. And he …”

“I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a…”