I wore a suit to the interview—a bathing suit. I didn’t get the job as a lifeguard.

“If I had an orange penis, and an erection, I might take offense at carrot eater…”

“At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came…”

“If you ask me a multiple part question, and half my answers are yes and half ar…”

“If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I…”