I would have made you a cheesecake, but I don’t know how. And I would have bought you a cheesecake, but I have no job and no money. So please accept this stack of coupons instead.

“A brick could be used as a key to unlock a door disguised as a brick wall. The …”

“I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch…”

“Birthdays are like presidential elections. I don’t like them, but they still ke…”

“The outer bands of the tropical storm didn’t play as good of music as the inner…”