I wrote this because someone put a gun to my head and said, “Write.” And do you know how long it takes to type with one hand while your other hand is shaking from holding a loaded Sig Sauer? Well, at least twice as long.

“I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must …”

“I like being right more than I like keeping friends. Certainly this leaves me l…”

“I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.”

“In a relationship, I’m committed to giving her 100% of 50%.”