I’d love to be a color commentator, but I can’t, because I’m white, and white isn’t a color.

“If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace th…”

“I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on al…”

“Sometimes I wear sunglasses while I urinate, and pretend that my pee is a solar…”

“While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling…”