If a clock represented a pie chart, then I just ate a slice of apple pie so large it represents 33 minutes. That means I’m three minutes late for dinner!

“I had a dream where I drank my own grandma. What she was doing disguised as a b…”

“I had an out-of-body experience so strange that it felt normal. You see, my sou…”

“I’d run 26.2 miles to eat a Marathon candy bar.”

“I wear a mustache, both as a disguise—and as a cooter tickler.”