If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.

“If I spent as much time as I did money, I’d be dead tomorrow.”

“Don’t lift my words without permission. It might lead to a hernia.”

“If love came out of exhaust pipes, like a penis that penetrated deep into one, …”

“I wrote this piece because my mailbox was full of bills, junk mail, and lettuce…”