If a woman named Ms. Silver won a gold medal, she’d probably be a little disappointed she didn’t place second. My love always finishes first, while my love always comes second.

“A brick could be used to make life easier. Start carrying one around with you e…”

“I’ve got an up-to-the-minute block of 60 seconds. It’s on the kitchen counter t…”

“I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—…”

“I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if …”