If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.

“A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destin…”

“Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat b…”

“Getting a rejection letter from a place you’ve been thinking about is bad enoug…”

“I have an iron deficiency. You can tell by how wrinkled my clothes are.”