If I ever meet Michael Phelps, I’m going to tell him that I am that Michael Phelps of random thoughts. Then I’ll challenge him to a game of pool.

“Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’…”

“Love speaks to the heart like a mime to a mute.”

“I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop…”

“There are so many cheeses that I can't keep track of all their names. The dairy…”