If I had a street named after me, I’d carry that around instead of a driver’s license for ID. You are what’s named after you.

“I live in Florida, and when people ask how close to the beach I am, I say, “Twe…”

“My advice: Give it to whoever they are for, before whoever they are gets wherev…”

“I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because …”

“Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct sme…”