If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.

“Let my hand be a blanket for my penis.
”

“Dear mom, My lieutenant is a prostitute. Can you please send me more lunch mone…”

“My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to th…”

“If you catch me talking in my sleep, your conversation bored me.”