If I worked at a Laundromat, I’d steal money, and if I worked at a bank, I’d steal clothes.

“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in m…”

“My advice to men is this: Don’t rape a Pringles can, because empty does not mea…”

“Sure, I pee in the pool. But that’s only because I don’t have a sink big enough…”

“Even my underwear is art. It's like a splatter painting in yellow I call “Crust…”