If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right now.

“I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked …”

“I am illiterate. Just not in English.”

“Cats are like mushrooms, only you'll rarely ever hear me scream, "Get off my pi…”

“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to th…”