If love felt like furry sandpaper, would you ever be able to leave my nipples alone? This handyman has a hands-off policy, like a two-time medieval thief.

“The police made sure he wasn’t dead. Then they killed him.”

“Take my advice and don’t take my advice.”

“If you’re getting up to cross the Sahara, I could sure go for a bottle of water…”

“I sure wish deodorant tasted like butter, because then I could keep mashed pota…”