If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave off all my pubes and glue them to my face and call myself “Dick Beard.

“My wallet isn’t empty—it’s full of hope. Thanks, Obama!”

“Goodbyes, they often come in waves.”

“I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already t…”

“The lights might have dimmed, but I blinked at that moment so I didn’t notice. …”