If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.

“I hate the phrase “Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.”

“Women, if I understood them half as well as I understand fractions, I'd have sa…”

“I just made a fan gun. Instead of shooting bullets, it shoots the breeze. Just …”

“As our bodies are mostly made of water, I’d rather be hungry than thirsty. And …”