If my doctor told me I only had five minutes to live, I’d probably change all the clocks in my house, because they’re all five minutes fast and I want to know exactly how much time I have left so I can use it wisely.

“The book wasn’t half bad. But only because I only read half of it.”

“I can scratch “scratch myself” off my list of things to do.”

“Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I haven’t made dinner yet.”

“With one blanket, you and I could wrap up like a burrito. Yum. And if you want …”