If my name were Mark Twain, I’d write under the pseudonym “Samuel Clemens.

“A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly tell…”

“Life isn’t so bad. I’m not fat (unless you’re Gandhi), I’m not short (unless yo…”

“If you sound like shit, you sound like smell—which is crazy because smell looks…”

“Each one of my nostrils is the size of my urethra. Every breath smells like pis…”