If somebody pushed you down a well, I’d rush over and toss you a bucket, because I’m fucking thirsty.

“I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible…”

“Even though I buried our love in a coffin, it isn’t dead. No, our love is very …”

“An elephant walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you?”…”

“I’m a tiger made out of a paper towel, and I’m going to wipe you out.”