If somebody were to ask me what it means to me to be American, I'd respond, "It's like eating scrambled eggplant with a dozen 1969 moons sunny side up at noon." If they asked me to clarify, I'd respond, "It feels like I'm just one of 300 million empty stomachs.

“A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.”

“After dinner I told her I wouldn’t put away the plates, because I might cause a…”

“I don’t endorse my checks, because what, am I just going to give away free auto…”

“I hear phonetically on the phone. Toiletries sounds like toilet trees to me.”