If there are #coffee stains on my @Harvard application, it’s because I was up all night Photoshopping a high school diploma. Please accept my apology, and please accept me.

“What I’m doing is not doing anything, and I’m doing a half-ass job.”

“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none…”

“I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered th…”

“A miracle every day would cease to be miraculous—it would be mundane. Though ev…”