I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.

“If I were among midgets I didn’t know, I’d be afraid they’d see I was uncomfort…”

“I’ve been to the Big House. Not prison, but the Biltmore Estate.”

“If I had a street named after me, it would really put me on the map.”

“If love felt like furry sandpaper, would you ever be able to leave my nipples a…”