I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.

“Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife joking…”

“Dead men’s fingernails make lovely shallow-grave shovels.”

“Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything b…”

“Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lo…”