I’m great at making love, at least for the first 20 bucks, and for about 30 minutes after that I just sort of lay there, trying to stretch out my investment.

“I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonst…”

“I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size," and I tho…”

“She was a tall drink of water, and I was a glass half full kind of guy—half ful…”

“I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.
”