I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but ½ of a mating ritual.

“Gnome money is better than no money, but just by a few feet.”

“I want eyebrows shaped like pinball swatters, and to accompany that I’ll get a …”

“The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorolog…”

“The two sisters wouldn’t sleep with me. But it’s cool, because they were nuns, …”