I’m so lowbrow that I don’t want to grow a unibrow, but I do want to grow a unicycle on my forehead.

“I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a…”

“I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wi…”

“My love is like a crumbly cookie. It’s very hard to give all of it to just one …”

“Whenever you have a goal, it's a good idea to have both a plan A and a back-up …”