I’m so silent I can hardly hear myself think. But that’s why I bought the scissors and the condom.

“I’ll name my firstborn child Squiblob, after his mother.”

“The time is now 3:34. Damn! I’m late for 3:33.”

“A brick could deliver the zeitgeist through the thick skull of a politician fas…”

“I wash my hands twice in the bathroom—once before I touch my penis, and once ag…”