I’m underwater on my mortgage, and I have a flooded movie theater for rent. Scuba tank and popcorn not included.

“Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.”

“If I could change one thing about myself, I’d pick a new nose, because I’m tire…”

“If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "W…”

“A whisper is the shadow of a shout, and I keep a few in my wallet to use at the…”