I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.

“It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indian…”

“I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little le…”

“They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you dri…”

“I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, be…”