In middle school, I spent a lot of time with my buddy Edward. I called him Sex Ed, not because he got laid a lot, but because he taught me a lot about getting fucked over.

“I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are ou…”

“-My son was 32 when he died.
-Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?”

“Like a river, I’m going to meander through the party. Will you be my canoe?
”

“I’m stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I’d make a great U.S. President, …”