In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because that’s just the way life is. Some fish gets jealous over a bird, and decides to chomp down on his competition. It happens all the time in the real world.

“I love women’s breasts. I love how they don’t blink when I stare at them.”

“I vote to have my vote voided—which means my vote won’t count even when it coun…”

“I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is …”

“Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs the…”