I’ve got semen stains on my shirt, and spaghetti stains on my underwear. Ah, but that’s life, no?

“Her car is being repaired, so I offered to give her a lift to work tomorrow. I …”

“I want to go to Sing Sing prison. I’ll bet they’ve got a good chorus.”

“I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds…”

“I’ll put some ice in your coffee, to cover up the fact that it was already cold…”