I’ve shortened this sentence’s length, in order to reduce the need for it. I’ve also shortened my penis (as impossible as that sounds), in order to reduce your reliance on it. Please accept my condolences, and this vibrating piece of rubber.

“One thought I think every person eventually thinks is, “Holy shit, I’m going to…”

“Any celebrity will tell you there’s no money in being invisible. But any bank r…”

“The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite.
(The impossibility is half pos…”

“I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one spea…”