Love isn’t measured in feet and miles, it’s measured in hands and hands on. (Yesterday at 3:33 pm I spoke to the Prime Minister of Orafouraville about your recent skin condition, and he said he’d send over his best cartographer to map the growing infection).

“I am the lingering blinker clicking rhythmically long after the dotted line has…”

“If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate yo…”

“I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss), and then going around asking elde…”

“Without even washing my hands I can tell whether I peed or not.”