My ex girlfriend said she’d never cheat on me. Well, she did—with an accountant. Now I owe money to the IRS.

“Dead men’s fingernails make lovely shallow-grave shovels.”

“In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink o…”

“No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Ti…”

“I bought an oxygen tank, because with the global population at over seven billi…”