My ex was the shape of a planet, and when she wore a belt, that planet was Saturn.

“I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only blee…”

“One of my hobbies is reading finance and economic books—at the strip club, wher…”

“I believe that guns offer the most bang for the buck.”

“Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and …”