My last name comes after my first name, but it came before my first name, and it’ll be around after my first name dies (my first name will die with me). I wish my first name were 12:34 AM, so I’d always be ascending.

“Sandwiches come in shrink-wrap—therefore, I must masturbate with gloves on. Lun…”

“It’s hot as a watermelon in this cantaloupe called pineapple. And that’s a fact.”

“I don’t think our president is doing a good job, but I think he’s doing a great…”

“What has four wooden legs and hangs out in a bar? If you answered a barstool, y…”