My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.

“I’d never shoot shrapnel at a bear, because why ruin a perfectly good rug like …”

“I want to name one of my kids “I’ll-Have-A-Large-Cheeseburger.” That way, when …”

“The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, a…”

“I want a white car that turns red when I’m embarrassed.”