My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!

“She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is i…”

“You don’t need the Bible to tell you the flesh is weak. Just pinch it and find …”

“Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s the word my s…”

“I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.”