My resume speaks for itself, so to speak. I recorded it on a tape recorder.

“I called for backup, but they didn’t put the car in reverse.”

“I could inject a brick in each of my butt cheeks and then be like ancient Greec…”

“My wife and I will probably have lots of kids. Just not with each other.”

“I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she m…”