My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?

“I don’t want to hold you back. That’s what the chains affixed to the wall are f…”

“I didn’t get sucker punched. It was more of a lollipop.”

“I’m one washing machine away from throwing in the towel. But I’m not a quitter.…”

“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two…”