My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.

“I would let you ride shotgun, but first I’ll need to reload.”

“I’m a felon, though I haven’t been arrested for it. I’m guilty of stealing larg…”

“Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because th…”

“Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am th…”