On my wedding night, I want to make slow, passionate rush hour to my wife at well over three miles an hour.

“I’d never shoot shrapnel at a bear, because why ruin a perfectly good rug like …”

“She asked if I found what she was telling me very exciting, and I managed to ye…”

“I feel like my old self. Especially since I feel like I’m developing dementia.”

“I have bread, water, and love—what more can a man ask for? How about pasta, win…”